I like the fact that football starts late in the year. It just makes sense to me. Baseball, the more methodical and pastoral of the “big two” sports, appropriately starts in the spring, when optimism is still in bloom. By the time fall has rolled around – and half of my expensive electronic gadgets have self-destructed well before their expected lifespan and all of my New Year’s resolutions have gone up in flames – I am more than ready for a little controlled violence. I need to see people bashing each other’s brains in. Badly. And football season arrives at just the right time. That time is now.
The AFC North should be a two-horse race between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens. In fact, the only things separating these two teams with superb defenses and mediocre offenses are their uniforms - and the Steelers have the clear advantage here (their blank-on-one-side helmet is probably the coolest gimmick in all of sports, followed closely by the blank-on-both-sides helmet of their division rival Cleveland Browns). Under current league rules, the Bengals are prohibited from making any post-season appearances until they get rid of those ridiculously garish striped uniforms. Start your petition now, Cincinnati fans.
Perhaps the most difficult division to forecast this season is the AFC South, a division in which all four teams – Houston, Indianapolis, Jacksonville and Tennessee – have a legitimate shot to come out on top. After performing a series of four-way, best-of-three coin flips, I have determined that it is Houston’s year to win it. A division title for Houston would be fantastic news for those who really want to see the team with the most narcissistically un-original nickname in sports – the Texans – revive a slightly revised version of the most wretched sports fight song ever! Or am I the only person kept awake at night by recurring nightmares of the “Houston Oilers Number One!” fight song? Perhaps those should have been best-of-five coin flips now that I think about it. Oh, and while I'm thinking about this: why should I be the only person plagued by the "Houston Oilers Number One!" fight song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvWn_yGaA-Y
The New England Patriots appear ready to make the AFC East much less competitive this season. Now that he is married, Tom Brady will be more motivated than ever to extend his time away from home. That motivation – coupled with the fact that Brady is the greatest quarterback on the planet – should be reason enough to believe the Patriots will take their rightful spot atop the division. The rest of this division consists of a bunch of also-rans with no real starting quarterbacks and no real reason to bother trying to compete with New England. Or do people suddenly believe the NFL’s quarterback efficiency rating has actual merit?
Only because we were obligated, we come to the AFC West, the division with the largest number of teams that can’t even compete for the PAC-10 title. The Kansas City Chiefs fired their offensive coordinator just a few weeks before the start of the season, indicating only that they wanted to try an entirely different approach to losing at least ten games. The Denver Broncos, meanwhile, suspended T.O. wanna-be Brendan Marshall in an attempt to eradicate what little talent the offense had left. And the Oakland Raiders, well – come on, the name alone acts as its own punch line at this point, doesn’t it? This leaves the San Diego Chargers as the only team who should even bother suiting up on Sunday this season – and even they’re one Tila Tequila night out from having a viable defense.
The NFC North might not be the most competitive division in the NFL, but I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if ain’t the most entertaining. Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress spent the entire off-season engaged in an endless, pathetic attempt to lure Brett Favre out of his sixtieth retirement. Now that Childress' love has been requited, the Vikings are hoping to be rewarded with a division or perhaps even a Super Bowl title. Sorry, Minnesota; you essentially sold your soul to the devil for a geriatric, arthritic and deaf Paganini in cleats. Chicago Bears fans – possibly the most classless (their treatment of Saints fans in 2007 will never be forgotten) and clueless of all NFL fans (these people actually still worship Mike Ditka!) – believe Jay Cutler is their ticket to the Super Bowl; meanwhile, on planet earth, almost everybody else thinks Jay Cutler is nothing more than the Bears’ ticket to an 8-8 record. Detroit is the only team in the NFL coming off a perfect season. Sure, it was perfectly shitty, but perfect nonetheless. Rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford might lead this team out of its perfect incompetence, but he most assuredly will not lead it to the playoffs. This leaves the Green Bay Packers – with its improved defense and high-powered offense led by some dude not named Brett Favre – as the division winners.
NFC South winners do not repeat – it’s in the NFL by-laws, apparently. This by-law, along with Carolina’s crappy defense and crappy quarterback, eliminates any chance the Panthers had at winning the division. And since enough Atlanta Falcons fans actually believe their team won its division last year, the Falcons have no chance, either. Thus the division comes down to two teams: the New Orleans Saints and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Actually, the division thus comes down to two quarterbacks: Drew Brees and Byron Leftwich. The weight loss is admirable, Mr. Leftwich, but Drew Brees almost broke one of the most hallowed records in all of sports last year. New Orleans takes it.
In the NFC East, the Dallas Cowboys – relying more on their underrated running game – will return to the playoffs as a wildcard team. Jerry Jones has decreed that no other team in this division is worthy of even a mention, so we must move on now.
Last season the Arizona Cardinals surprised everyone in the universe by coming out of the lowly NFC West and nearly defeating Pittsburgh for the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Of course, it’s important to remember that the Cardinals reached the Super Bowl as the beneficiaries of possibly the worst playoff performance by a quarterback in the history of football. Too bad Arizona can’t play Carolina every week in 2009; otherwise they would make the playoffs. Many people like Seattle’s chances of returning to the playoffs this year, but I like their weather up there better. San Francisco will be the team to beat this year in the NFC West; if it isn’t, 49ers players will learn just how serious new head coach Mike Singletary was when he vowed to snap the necks of each and every player on the team. Something tells me those guys are sufficiently motivated. I think there’s another team in this division, but damn if I can remember who the heck it is!
Thus we arrive at the post-season. Here are some betting tips to avoid:
AFC Wildcard: Indianapolis def. Houston; San Diego def. Baltimore
NFC Wildcard: Dallas def. San Francisco; Green Bay def. Minnesota
AFC Divisional Playoffs: Indianapolis def. New England; San Diego def. Pittsburgh
NFC Divisional Playoffs: Dallas def. NY Giants; New Orleans def. Green Bay
AFC Championship: San Diego def. Indianapolis
NFC Championship: Dallas def. New Orleans
Super Bowl MCMLXXXIX: San Diego 31, Dallas 21
MVP: Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans
Offensive Player of the Year: Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jacksonville
Defensive Player of the Year: Mario Williams, DE, Houston
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Knowshon Moreno, HB, Denver
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Curry, OLB, Seattle
Coach of the Year: Mike McCarthy, Green Bay
The AFC North should be a two-horse race between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens. In fact, the only things separating these two teams with superb defenses and mediocre offenses are their uniforms - and the Steelers have the clear advantage here (their blank-on-one-side helmet is probably the coolest gimmick in all of sports, followed closely by the blank-on-both-sides helmet of their division rival Cleveland Browns). Under current league rules, the Bengals are prohibited from making any post-season appearances until they get rid of those ridiculously garish striped uniforms. Start your petition now, Cincinnati fans.
Perhaps the most difficult division to forecast this season is the AFC South, a division in which all four teams – Houston, Indianapolis, Jacksonville and Tennessee – have a legitimate shot to come out on top. After performing a series of four-way, best-of-three coin flips, I have determined that it is Houston’s year to win it. A division title for Houston would be fantastic news for those who really want to see the team with the most narcissistically un-original nickname in sports – the Texans – revive a slightly revised version of the most wretched sports fight song ever! Or am I the only person kept awake at night by recurring nightmares of the “Houston Oilers Number One!” fight song? Perhaps those should have been best-of-five coin flips now that I think about it. Oh, and while I'm thinking about this: why should I be the only person plagued by the "Houston Oilers Number One!" fight song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvWn_yGaA-Y
The New England Patriots appear ready to make the AFC East much less competitive this season. Now that he is married, Tom Brady will be more motivated than ever to extend his time away from home. That motivation – coupled with the fact that Brady is the greatest quarterback on the planet – should be reason enough to believe the Patriots will take their rightful spot atop the division. The rest of this division consists of a bunch of also-rans with no real starting quarterbacks and no real reason to bother trying to compete with New England. Or do people suddenly believe the NFL’s quarterback efficiency rating has actual merit?
Only because we were obligated, we come to the AFC West, the division with the largest number of teams that can’t even compete for the PAC-10 title. The Kansas City Chiefs fired their offensive coordinator just a few weeks before the start of the season, indicating only that they wanted to try an entirely different approach to losing at least ten games. The Denver Broncos, meanwhile, suspended T.O. wanna-be Brendan Marshall in an attempt to eradicate what little talent the offense had left. And the Oakland Raiders, well – come on, the name alone acts as its own punch line at this point, doesn’t it? This leaves the San Diego Chargers as the only team who should even bother suiting up on Sunday this season – and even they’re one Tila Tequila night out from having a viable defense.
The NFC North might not be the most competitive division in the NFL, but I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if ain’t the most entertaining. Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress spent the entire off-season engaged in an endless, pathetic attempt to lure Brett Favre out of his sixtieth retirement. Now that Childress' love has been requited, the Vikings are hoping to be rewarded with a division or perhaps even a Super Bowl title. Sorry, Minnesota; you essentially sold your soul to the devil for a geriatric, arthritic and deaf Paganini in cleats. Chicago Bears fans – possibly the most classless (their treatment of Saints fans in 2007 will never be forgotten) and clueless of all NFL fans (these people actually still worship Mike Ditka!) – believe Jay Cutler is their ticket to the Super Bowl; meanwhile, on planet earth, almost everybody else thinks Jay Cutler is nothing more than the Bears’ ticket to an 8-8 record. Detroit is the only team in the NFL coming off a perfect season. Sure, it was perfectly shitty, but perfect nonetheless. Rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford might lead this team out of its perfect incompetence, but he most assuredly will not lead it to the playoffs. This leaves the Green Bay Packers – with its improved defense and high-powered offense led by some dude not named Brett Favre – as the division winners.
NFC South winners do not repeat – it’s in the NFL by-laws, apparently. This by-law, along with Carolina’s crappy defense and crappy quarterback, eliminates any chance the Panthers had at winning the division. And since enough Atlanta Falcons fans actually believe their team won its division last year, the Falcons have no chance, either. Thus the division comes down to two teams: the New Orleans Saints and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Actually, the division thus comes down to two quarterbacks: Drew Brees and Byron Leftwich. The weight loss is admirable, Mr. Leftwich, but Drew Brees almost broke one of the most hallowed records in all of sports last year. New Orleans takes it.
In the NFC East, the Dallas Cowboys – relying more on their underrated running game – will return to the playoffs as a wildcard team. Jerry Jones has decreed that no other team in this division is worthy of even a mention, so we must move on now.
Last season the Arizona Cardinals surprised everyone in the universe by coming out of the lowly NFC West and nearly defeating Pittsburgh for the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Of course, it’s important to remember that the Cardinals reached the Super Bowl as the beneficiaries of possibly the worst playoff performance by a quarterback in the history of football. Too bad Arizona can’t play Carolina every week in 2009; otherwise they would make the playoffs. Many people like Seattle’s chances of returning to the playoffs this year, but I like their weather up there better. San Francisco will be the team to beat this year in the NFC West; if it isn’t, 49ers players will learn just how serious new head coach Mike Singletary was when he vowed to snap the necks of each and every player on the team. Something tells me those guys are sufficiently motivated. I think there’s another team in this division, but damn if I can remember who the heck it is!
Thus we arrive at the post-season. Here are some betting tips to avoid:
AFC Wildcard: Indianapolis def. Houston; San Diego def. Baltimore
NFC Wildcard: Dallas def. San Francisco; Green Bay def. Minnesota
AFC Divisional Playoffs: Indianapolis def. New England; San Diego def. Pittsburgh
NFC Divisional Playoffs: Dallas def. NY Giants; New Orleans def. Green Bay
AFC Championship: San Diego def. Indianapolis
NFC Championship: Dallas def. New Orleans
Super Bowl MCMLXXXIX: San Diego 31, Dallas 21
MVP: Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans
Offensive Player of the Year: Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jacksonville
Defensive Player of the Year: Mario Williams, DE, Houston
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Knowshon Moreno, HB, Denver
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Curry, OLB, Seattle
Coach of the Year: Mike McCarthy, Green Bay
Mascot of the Year: Boltman (San Diego) – have you seen this fucking thing?!!?
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