Well, it finally happened: Dick Cheney announced – via a spokesperson, of course – that he is God. And because he is God, he can do whatever the hell he wants, and nobody – not even his boss – can do anything about it. Any questions? Go fuck yourself!
OK, so Dick Cheney said only one of the above things, but he may as well have said that he was God and can do whatever the hell he wants. As we must all know by now, this current situation arose when Vice President Cheney – through the voice of an impossibly straight-faced attorney – decided not to comply with an executive order stating that the Information Security Oversight Office (an office within the National Archives) is charged by presidential order with ensuring that classified information and documents are properly handled by executive branch agencies. This seemingly straightforward executive order was issued by President Clinton and reissued by current President George W. Bush in 2003 in order to maintain the integrity of classified documents by forcing all those in the executive branch to report the number of files he/she has classified or declassified. The director of ISOO, William Leonard, wrote a letter to Congress stating that Cheney's office has not complied with this executive order since 2002 and, worse still, even tried to have ISOO closed altogether. Judging from the his attorney's explanation, the simplicity of this order appears initially to have eluded Vice President Cheney, though he did end up publicly distancing from this explanation a few weeks later. Now, however, the Vice President has again decided to confuse the shit out of every single middle school civics student by declaring – through his own mouth, no less – that as President of the Senate he is, in fact, a member of the legislative branch. Doh! What?!!? Yes, as the Dick explains it himself, the Vice President is "kind of a unique creature" who does "work in both branches" -- and by extension of this logic, he seems to believe he is exempt from this (or presumably any) executive order. OK, so do you mean to tell me that everything "Dandy" Don Rowan and Walt McCoy told me about the three branches of the United States government all those years ago was complete crap? Those bastards! If only I had been taught civics by Dick Cheney – then I would have a proper understanding of the previously unknown complexities of our federal government! Because of the Dick's declaration, I am going to have to start from scratch to understand everything involved in this situation.
Now, I'm no attorney or Constitutional scholar by any means, but I am a human being with a functioning brain and some education in the structure of the United States government, so I don't think this task will be as complicated as Dana Perino would have us believe. First, we have to figure out if the Vice President is, in fact, part of the Executive Branch or not. In order to clarify this matter, I suggest we consult that scrap of paper known as the United States Constitution. In Article II, Section 1, the Constitution states, "The executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his office during the term of four years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same term, . . ." (emphasis added). Again, I'm no legal or Constitutional scholar, but the words "the executive power shall be vested in a President . . . together with the Vice President" appear to be the nearest thing to irrefutable evidence that the Vice Presidency – the office everybody in the known universe believes Dick Cheney to hold – is thus part of the executive branch.
Now that the Vice President's place in the federal government has been inarguably established in the executive branch, what about the Dick's contention that, since he is President of the Senate, he is also a member of the legislative branch? Well, let's turn to Article I, Section 3 of the Constitution: "The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided." Here we have stumbled upon some ambiguity, however microscopic, concerning the Vice President's role. The Vice President is officially President of the Senate, but he is given only one concrete role by the Constitution – to break Senate votes that end in a tie. Thus, while officially having a role of some kind in the Senate, and therefore the Legislative branch, the Vice President's title as President of the Senate appears to be more of a figurehead position – you know, much like George W. Bush's title of President appears to be more of a figurehead position since it is quite obvious that the real President is, ironically enough, Dick Cheney! Why is it safe to say this title as President of the Senate is nothing more than a name? To answer this question we must examine what duties the Constitution has given the Senate and where the Vice President fits into executing these duties. The very beginning of Article I, Section 3 states, "The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each state, chosen by the legislature thereof, for six years; and each Senator shall have one vote." Nowhere in this passage is the Vice President mentioned and rightly so: as stated later in Article II, he is not selected by one particular state as one of its two Senators, nor does he serve a six-year sentence, nor does he have one vote – unless, as is stated later in Section 3 of this Article, there is a tie. In fact, the Vice President is not mentioned anywhere else in the ten sections of Article I of the Constitution. Section 2 deals strictly with the House of Representatives, while Sections 4-10 discuss, respectively: rules for electing Congress, Congressional self-oversight, income and legal status of Congressional members, bill-passing procedures of Congress, the laying and collecting of taxes, and two sections regarding restrictions on passage of laws by Congress. Thus, out of the 2,265 words in Article I of the U.S. Constitution, the Vice President's role in the legislative branch is mentioned in twenty-three of them. Twenty-three! This means that the Vice President's role in the legislative body is so insignificant that it merits only one-percent of the text. If the only function expressly assigned to the V-P in the legislative body is to break a tie vote in the Senate, let us examine what functions of the legislative body do not involve the Vice President. It appears he has no role whatsoever in the proposing of laws, the passing of laws, the process of impeachment, laying and collecting taxes and, most importantly, the creating and following of the rules of the House and Senate. The only Congressional responsibility not clearly defined by the Constitution is who must take out the garbage, though I think we can safely assume, based on his heroic Vietnam record, that The Dick won't be rushing to claim that responsibility. It is safe to say, then, that the Vice President's "membership" in the legislative branch is quite dubious, and his role as President of the Senate is a mere title except in the rare instance there is a tie vote. The current Vice President's claim that he is a member of Congress and therefore does not have to follow the executive order affecting the executive branch has been proven to be nothing more than a humongous technical turd.
Now, for the sake of argument, let's play a game of pretend (you know, the game popularized by children and mastered by George W. Bush). Let's allow the Dick his place in the Senate and subject him to the same rules and restrictions of the legislative branch. There's just one minor technicality that still places him at odds with this executive order: according to the Constitution, he's still a member of the executive branch! Nowhere in any article does it say that the Vice President's "membership" in the legislative branch nullifies his membership in the executive branch or exempts him from following the rules of the executive branch. Thus, the only thing that the Dick could truthfully claim from the Constitution is that he is a member of both branches and, thus, must be subjected to the rules and restrictions of both the executive branch and legislative branch. This logic applies to dual memberships in almost any arena of life. For instance, it is quite common in New Orleans society for a gentleman to be a member of multiple Mardi Gras parading organizations. A member of the Mystic Krewe of Comus may not break the club's rule and reveal the identity of his king to the public just because said member also belongs to the Krewe of Rex, an organization that does reveal the name of its king to the public. This gentleman must follow the rules of both Mardi Gras organizations or be subjected to the agreed upon penalties for not following those rules. The concept is simple enough; Mardi Gras historians are not needed to debate the matter because there is nothing to debate in the first place. Likewise, legal and Constitutional scholars are not needed to debate the current Vice President's outlandish claims of legislative privilege (as White House spokesperson Dana Perino ridiculously suggested) because, simply put, there is nothing for anybody – not even a middle school student – to debate on this issue.
The most important irony here, as many in the media and general public have pointed out, is that this very same Vice President, way back in 2002, refused to release any information to the legislative branch regarding his secret energy commission by citing – you guessed it – executive privilege! Just in case you had not been aware of this fact or simply needed to hear it again, here it is: the same person currently claiming not to have to follow an executive order because he is technically a member of the legislative branch even though he is technically a member of the executive branch once told the legislative branch that he would not disclose the information they had requested because he was a member of the executive branch and therefore was entitled to keep this information under the protection of executive privilege. Huh? Did that explanation sound like somebody talking in Greek? Or did it sound like a six year-old who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar? Even by current GOP standards (assuming there is such a thing) the hypocrisy of this explanation is mind-blowing! I can't wait to see how this megalomaniac comes up with some justification for claiming he has Judicial Privilege as well. Yeah, go ahead and laugh at that statement all you want, but don't forget that this same person has tossed aside decades – sometimes even centuries – of rules for governing our country in a proper and ethical manner simply to push forward the agenda of a small group of like-minded and extremely *cough* privileged allies. Nobody in the 219 years since the United States Constitution was ratified had ever had the audacity to claim he is simultaneously a member of both the legislative and executive branches of the United States government until Dick Cheney was chosen by George W. Bush to find a suitable candidate for Vice President and then found himself. If this almost other-worldly arrogance of claiming both Executive Privilege and Legislative Privilege whenever the occasion suits him does not convince everybody in the informed world that this man is unsuitable to be in any position of authority, then nothing short of his announcing he is, in fact, Dr. Strangelove will. The only question remaining now is whether this free-floating branch of government unto himself will be allowed to live out his political life to its natural end or have it terminated for the good of the country.
