What's that?

The Yankees & Red Sox met in a three-game series at Yankee Stadium? The Sox had won four straight heading into it while the Yankees had gone home limping after a 16-0 drubbing the previous night in Detroit?

And then the Yankees swept the Red Sox? And the Sox hit a collective .081 or something against that erratic Yankees pitching staff? Derek Jeter went 4-4 in the final game? And the Sox' three best pitchers all lost? Yes, September is upon us. And some traditions never fucking die. Fuckin' Yankees.

More appropriately, fuckin' Red Sox! Exactly a month ago today they made a big splash and traded for veteran stud reliever Eric Gagné to add even more muscle to what was already the best bullpen in the Major Leagues. Here's what I wrote at the time on si.com's message board:

Don't get me wrong - the Red Sox needed another quality arm in the bullpen, if
only as insurance (though the logic of bringing in another chronic medical case
eludes me somewhat). The real need on this team, however, is in the lineup: they
have a shortstop barely above the Mendoza Line, a streak-hitting centerfielder,
and a colossal underachiever in rightfielder (no matter who starts there). Am I
the only person to notice that the Red Sox reach double digits in the LOB
[runners left on base] category on an almost routine basis? And how many
1-run games have they lost recently? Too many. In fact, they're below .500 in
1-run games for the season, an unusual mark for a team with the best record in
baseball. Simply put, it's sickening (assuming you're a Red Sox fan, that is).
This team needs a quality, clutch hitter in the worst of ways right now, and I
won't be too confident of a World Series appearance, much less a victory, until
they find one.

And what just happened in the Yankees series? They lost all three games, getting fewer and fewer hits each game: 3 runs on 7 hits in game 1, followed by 3 runs on 4 hits in game 2, and finished off by today's 0-run/2-hit implosion at the hands of Chien-Ming Wang. One thing is certain: the starting pitchers and relievers didn't lose these three games in the Bronx. If this three-game display of chronic impotence didn't sound the alarm in Theo Epstein's brain, I don't know what would.

Welcome to September, Red Sox fans. Here we go again . . .

Important Technical Correction

Upon the resignation of Alberto "Slowpoke" Gonzales as United States Attorney General, I wanted to correct one part of the statement from Mr. Gonzales's press conference yesterday. Now, some people would call this correction a minor technicality, but I happen to believe it is a major technicality. At one point Mr. Gonzales said that "public service is honorable and noble" and that he was "profoundly grateful" to President Bush for having given him the "many opportunities . . . to serve the American people."

That sentiment is all fine and dandy; to some degree, it's even accurate. Public service is honorable and noble, Mr. Gonzales, but the problem is that, um . . . you were never in the public service field -- you were in the Presidential service field. In your three torturous years as Attorney General -- pun definitely intended -- the only people you seemingly ever served were Masters George and Dick. Every important decision you ever made as Attorney General served the megalomaniacal, authoritarian desires of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and absolutely nobody else. Sadly, you will crawl to your grave with the steadfast belief that you really were serving the American public, a fact that's almost as sad as the negative effects your decisions have had on the American public.

Healthcare costs claim another victim

"I will not be able to make it to the end of this administration, just financially."

These are the words of explanation from cancer patient and current White House Press Secretary Tony Snow on the subject of his decision to resign his post before the end of George W. Bush's term in January of 2009.

Oh, that's what this quote was referring to. Could you repeat that for me, please?

"I will not be able to make it to the end of this administration, just financially."

Ohhhhhh, ok, I get it. The $168,000 per year job just can't cover 'dem medical bills, eh, Tony?

Yeah, only an elitist former Faux News Bushie -- or an NBA star, of course (see Latrell Sprewell) -- would have the nerve to claim that $168,000 per year isn't sufficient income. Please. Granted, $168,000 a year wouldn't be enough money for me to ease my conscience into habitually lying on behalf of the assholes for whom this guy works, but I have not seen any evidence indicating that Mr. Snow has any kind of moral objection to lying as much as he does on behalf of his bosses. The only thing we are left to assume, then, is that $168,000 a year just isn't enough for this guy to rent that summer home in Kennebunkport. Or that he somehow doesn't have medical insurance. Or that he hadn't save a penny from his spin-doctoring days at Faux News, where he was paid at least double per year to do essentially the same bullshit thing he does now. Yeah, cry me a river, dickface. Now Mr. Snow can go back to the private sector and be more richly rewarded for doing what he has been doing the last couple of years with such effortlessness and arrogance: deceiving the American public on any and every important political situation, which is what he was doing for Faux News before he joined the Bush Monarchy, uh, Administration anyway.

If you really think you can endure the entire story, here's the link:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20320804/

Funny how unobjective the news can be, huh? I mean, wouldn't the headline "Another Rat Leaves the Sinking Ship" been more truthful?

Oh, and just in case you wanted to know more about legendary NBA star Latrell Sprewell's life of extreme hardship, go here:

http://espn.go.com/dickvitale/vcolumn041108-Sprewell.html

What am I doing?

Anybody have any ideas? Anybody?

And while I'm feeling particularly inquisitive, anybody have any idea how this Mitt Romney moron ever became a viable candidate for President? I mean, besides the obvious fact that he's a member of the Republican party, an outfit that found a way to make even George W. Bush seem like a viable candidate for President? Anybody?

Why Murray Rizberg Should Be Filthy Fucking Rich: Reason No. 652

Because then, when I find myself stuck behind somebody who insists upon using the antiquated, seemingly endless process of writing a check instead of using a check card, I could just say to the person very politely, "You're such a nice, sweet person -- please -- allow me to pay for your items today! No, really -- I insist." Because in the time it takes these people to find their checkbooks, then find their pens, then find their ID's, then get the total amount of the bill, then write the date on the check, then attempt to recall their own first names, then ask the cashier what the total was, then write down half that total, then ask the cashier to repeat that total just one more freakin' time, then write the rest of the check, then sign the check, then hand it to the cashier, then watch as the cashier goes through the 47-step process of validating and recording the check, then filing the receipt, then recording the transaction in the checkbook, then finding his/her keys and then, at fucking last, getting the fuck out of my way so I can purchase my one fucking item -- after all of that -- I realize that I could have spent that time better by going back to school, getting my biology and medicine degrees, joining a research team and discovering the cure for restless leg syndrome. Instead, I will have wasted it while some fuckhead writes a fucking check. Great.