A Plea to Theo Epstein

Theo -- please, PLEASE consider sending Matt Clement to the minors. The guy obviously has lost it. His ERA now hovers in the vicinity of 6.50, he walks about five batters a game, and he keeps getting hit by line drives. The signs are there, Theo. Either send Clement to the minors to find his way or consider his free agent signing a complete bust.

Oh, yeah -- please go out and find a third quality starting pitcher. We have Schilling, Beckett, and then . . . Tim Wakefield, David Wells, and Matt Clement? That rotation will never make it. It's time to go to work, Boy Wonder.

Arbitrarily Enforcing the Law the Alberto Gonzales Way

So it's not that I think local Congressman William Jefferson is innocent of the corruption allegations against him; no, far from it, I think the New Orleans Democrat should be looking forward to a barbed wire lunch date with Tom DeLay, complete with armed chaperones, of course. The $90,000 in cash found in Jefferson's freezer in his Washington, D.C., home pretty much says it all. That revelation forces one to think back to the days immediately after Hurricane Katrina: was Jefferson worried about $90,000 in cash being looted from his home in New Orleans when he ordered National Guardsmen to take him miles out of their way on an unauthorized excursion to examione his property? Or was Mr. Jefferson merely very concerned about the condition of his vegetable garden?

All assumptions of guilt aside, I find it disgusting that the U.S. Attorney General's Office gave its full consent to the FBI to raid Jefferson's private office on Capitol Hill. The search warrant for Jefferson's suite in the Rayburn House Office building was the first warrant ever issued in the 219 year history of the U.S. Congress. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales explained the raid this way:

"We have an obligation to the American people to pursue the evidence where it exists."

I'm sure Mr. Gonzales meant to add, "Unless that evidence exists somewhere in the White House, of course." Or possibly, "Unless that evidence exists somewhere in Tom DeLay's office, of course." Or maybe, "Unless that evidence exists somewhere in Dick Cheney's office." I think you get the idea. Basically we are supposed to believe that the Attorney General's Office had no obligation to pursue evidence in the CIA identity leak case, the NSA illegal surveillance case, any of Tom DeLay's mulitple ethics violations allegations or any other of the large number of corruption cases involving Republican politicians, but suddenly did have an obligation to break a 219-year precedent of not searching the private offices of a U.S. Congressman to find eveidence against a Democrat from New Orleans -- in an election year, no less?!!? Surely you jest, Mr. Gonzales.

To the credit of -- or perhaps to the desire to protect evidence of their own corruption -- many Republican Congressman have criticized this unprecedented pursuit of justice. House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R - IL) in particular has been vocal about the problems created by the over-zealousness of the Justice Department.

None of these criticisms alters the fact that the search has been done. The precedent has been set by Mr. Gonzales; now he is obligated to "pursue the evidence wherever it exists," even if it exists in the toilet of a Republican Congressman's private bathroom on Capitol Hill. Does anybody else out there suspect that this relentless pursuit of evidence will somehow never find its way into that bathroom during Gonzales' tenure in office?

Yes, I'm annoyed again

You wanna know what I'm sick of? That's fine, but I'm gonna tell you anyway: animated animal movies. The list grows every year: Antz, A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, Chicken Little, Ice Age, Ice Age: The Meltdown, Madagascar, Over The Hedge, Shark Tale, and others I'm sure. I mean, are animals so compelling that they need this many movies? And why do they always have to talk? I wonder if March of the Penguins was so successful simply because those birds didn't say a fuckin' word the entire movie? And each of these movies has the same stock characters; you never see an animated poodle who feels like Travis Bickle. Ultimately, I guess I'm calling for an animated animal genocide. I want all of these cute little animals to be eliminated -- immediately, if not sooner.

More Assholes

The following quote comes from an article at cnn.com about the most American of collectibles, the Hummer:

"The H1 gets about 10 miles per gallon, but [Hummer General Manager Martin] Walsh said rising gas prices didn't factor into GM's decision. He noted that H1 buyers typically have been less sensitive about gas prices than most other drivers."

Isn't language a fun thing? "H1 buyers typically have been less sensitive about gas prices than most other drivers." Yes, it would seem anybody who chooses to drive around in a tank that gets 10 miles per gallon would have to be, at the very least, "less sensitive" about gas prices than the rest of us, right?

It would be so great if Hummer came out and advertised directly to its oh-so conspicuous consumers: "If you're the kind of asshole who doesn't give one shit about destroying the environment and jacking up the cost of gasoline for every other driver out there whose car you could crush like an insignificant little bug, then the H1 is the automobile for you. Let's face it: if assholes like you won't buy our product, nobody else will." Was that so difficult?

Classic Iraq War Quote

Here's a quote -- perhaps the most logic-defying gem ever uttered -- about the Iraq War. It comes from former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, whose ability to say things like this with a straight face could only mean that he is either the greatest actor since Laurence Olivier or the greatest thinker since Yogi Berra. You be the judge:

"I think the burden is on those people who think he didn't have weapons of mass destruction to tell the world where they are."

Mr. Fleischer went on to say that the time has come for atheists to shut the fuck up and prove the existence of God.