Saturday, September 22, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
This thought just occurred to me:
What the hell does Darth Vader eat? I realize that I'm a little late in arriving at this query, but now that I have, well, I need some answers. Obviously Mr. Vader can't just sit down and enjoy a nice latté like the rest of us, so what in the world does he do? One would have to assume that it's intravenous or bust for the poor guy - no wonder he's so pissed off all the time! We're all hanging out, eating crème brulee or drinking piña coladas, and he's off in the corner all by himself with only a tube to provide him some tasteless, life-sustaining fluids. And then we have the nerve to smugly pass off his anger as the "dark side of the force"? I guess it really does depend on where you're comin' from, doesn't it?
Friday, September 7, 2007
Being this stupid and insensitive requires effort . . . it has to!
OK, it doesn't take a political science major to figure out that things are going bad for the G.O.P. The Iraq War is an epic failure; more and more citizens are unable to afford health care despite the "booming" economy touted by financially made, bow tie-wearing assholes like George Will; our physical infrastructure is literally crumbling; the government is in cahoots with bloated, renegade corporations in an effort to spy on U.S. citizens for no good reason; and gay people are still legally unifying in some heathen, rogue states (shame on you, Iowa, shame!). Yes, it seems that right fucking now would be the perfect time for Republican politicians to act, however insincerely, as if they care enough about the general public to listen to their thoughts and ideas.
Yes, almost any normal person would think that the time is right for Republicans to at least act like they have that devastating combination of intellect and compassion. Amazingly, however, Republicans remain clueless. Not that this cluelessness would effect their election prospects in the 2008 Presidential election; after all, the CEO of the biggest supplier of electronic voting machines also happens to be a Republican henchman, so ultimately Republicans probably don't have to worry about losing the White House. Nevertheless, common political wisdom would likely dictate that if you're a member of a political party sinking faster than Britney Spears, putting on a kind, compassionate and sensible public face is a good start to the vote-collecting process. Astonishingly, however, this current crop of Republicans apparently does not agree with such wisdom. Watch this clip from a C-Span call-in show with Republican Representative Phil Gingrey of Georgia:
Yes, you heard Mr. Gingrey correctly. This man's instinct upon being told by one of his national constituents that their party's foreign policy failures are destroying their beloved party is to immediately cast doubt upon the caller's sincerity. Immediately! His reaction was not, "Yes, sir, I can understand why you would want us to change course in Iraq because it has negatively affected our party's prosperity the last four years; unfortunately, we do firmly believe that pulling out U.S. troops at this stage would cause as many problems, if not more, than our remaining in Iraq for at least a few more years. We feel that securing Iraq, no matter what the cost, is imperative for our country's long-term survival, so must see this policy carried out to the end. Obviously, we wish our servicemen and women wouldn't have to carry such a heavy burden if at all possible, but at this point we see no other way to deal with this problem." Saying something like that at least would let the caller know that the representative realizes that the war is going bad and, in the process, having a negative impact on the party's viability.
The Republican Party as we know it today simply cannot bring itself to act in such a reasonable manner. No, the simple, self-righteous, authoritarian nature of such a great number of Republicans simply does not allow for such complex analysis or self-criticism. My goodness, though, man -- does anything or anybody in the real fucking world register at all on this man's consciousness? It seems not. So outlandish is Representative Gingrey's ignorance, paranoia and selfishness that one is all but forced to believe that the representative is putting a great amount of effort into his behavior! After all, who would want to believe that nature is cruel enough to create a human being as magnificently defective as Phil Gingrey?
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
The Absolute Worst Thing About George W. Bush
It just hit me earlier this evening as I sat in a movie theatre awaiting the start of The Simpsons Movie: the worst, most annoying thing about this douchebag of a President we have is that, no matter how many more things he manages to fuck up in the next 502 days, the average Joe will never be able to walk up to him on the street or in a bar, call him a stupid asshole and then punch him right in the middle of his ridiculous, beady-eyed, frat-boy face -- all because he "served" as President of the United Sates of America. Not that I would ever do something like that -- I avoid confrontation like I avoid refried beans -- but I sure would think it's funny if somebody else ever took the opportunity to do so, wouldn't you? And it's not even that I want somebody to punch this moron in the face -- I mean, really, how much damage (or good) could one punch in the face do to somebody already grievously lacking in the brains department? No, what irritates me is the fact that, because of an elevated status he so obviously does not deserve, Bush is immune to the same types of public confrontation and retribution that other public figures without Secret Service protection must face directly (see Ralph Nader's pie in the face incident). That unwarranted immunity from direct accountability to anyone in the general public is truly the worst, most annoying thing about George W. Bush.
It's Dick's world (we just have to endure it another 502 days)
Well, it finally happened: Dick Cheney announced – via a spokesperson, of course – that he is God. And because he is God, he can do whatever the hell he wants, and nobody – not even his boss – can do anything about it. Any questions? Go fuck yourself!
OK, so Dick Cheney said only one of the above things, but he may as well have said that he was God and can do whatever the hell he wants. As we must all know by now, this current situation arose when Vice President Cheney – through the voice of an impossibly straight-faced attorney – decided not to comply with an executive order stating that the Information Security Oversight Office (an office within the National Archives) is charged by presidential order with ensuring that classified information and documents are properly handled by executive branch agencies. This seemingly straightforward executive order was issued by President Clinton and reissued by current President George W. Bush in 2003 in order to maintain the integrity of classified documents by forcing all those in the executive branch to report the number of files he/she has classified or declassified. The director of ISOO, William Leonard, wrote a letter to Congress stating that Cheney's office has not complied with this executive order since 2002 and, worse still, even tried to have ISOO closed altogether. Judging from the his attorney's explanation, the simplicity of this order appears initially to have eluded Vice President Cheney, though he did end up publicly distancing from this explanation a few weeks later. Now, however, the Vice President has again decided to confuse the shit out of every single middle school civics student by declaring – through his own mouth, no less – that as President of the Senate he is, in fact, a member of the legislative branch. Doh! What?!!? Yes, as the Dick explains it himself, the Vice President is "kind of a unique creature" who does "work in both branches" -- and by extension of this logic, he seems to believe he is exempt from this (or presumably any) executive order. OK, so do you mean to tell me that everything "Dandy" Don Rowan and Walt McCoy told me about the three branches of the United States government all those years ago was complete crap? Those bastards! If only I had been taught civics by Dick Cheney – then I would have a proper understanding of the previously unknown complexities of our federal government! Because of the Dick's declaration, I am going to have to start from scratch to understand everything involved in this situation.
Now, I'm no attorney or Constitutional scholar by any means, but I am a human being with a functioning brain and some education in the structure of the United States government, so I don't think this task will be as complicated as Dana Perino would have us believe. First, we have to figure out if the Vice President is, in fact, part of the Executive Branch or not. In order to clarify this matter, I suggest we consult that scrap of paper known as the United States Constitution. In Article II, Section 1, the Constitution states, "The executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his office during the term of four years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same term, . . ." (emphasis added). Again, I'm no legal or Constitutional scholar, but the words "the executive power shall be vested in a President . . . together with the Vice President" appear to be the nearest thing to irrefutable evidence that the Vice Presidency – the office everybody in the known universe believes Dick Cheney to hold – is thus part of the executive branch.
Now that the Vice President's place in the federal government has been inarguably established in the executive branch, what about the Dick's contention that, since he is President of the Senate, he is also a member of the legislative branch? Well, let's turn to Article I, Section 3 of the Constitution: "The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided." Here we have stumbled upon some ambiguity, however microscopic, concerning the Vice President's role. The Vice President is officially President of the Senate, but he is given only one concrete role by the Constitution – to break Senate votes that end in a tie. Thus, while officially having a role of some kind in the Senate, and therefore the Legislative branch, the Vice President's title as President of the Senate appears to be more of a figurehead position – you know, much like George W. Bush's title of President appears to be more of a figurehead position since it is quite obvious that the real President is, ironically enough, Dick Cheney! Why is it safe to say this title as President of the Senate is nothing more than a name? To answer this question we must examine what duties the Constitution has given the Senate and where the Vice President fits into executing these duties. The very beginning of Article I, Section 3 states, "The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each state, chosen by the legislature thereof, for six years; and each Senator shall have one vote." Nowhere in this passage is the Vice President mentioned and rightly so: as stated later in Article II, he is not selected by one particular state as one of its two Senators, nor does he serve a six-year sentence, nor does he have one vote – unless, as is stated later in Section 3 of this Article, there is a tie. In fact, the Vice President is not mentioned anywhere else in the ten sections of Article I of the Constitution. Section 2 deals strictly with the House of Representatives, while Sections 4-10 discuss, respectively: rules for electing Congress, Congressional self-oversight, income and legal status of Congressional members, bill-passing procedures of Congress, the laying and collecting of taxes, and two sections regarding restrictions on passage of laws by Congress. Thus, out of the 2,265 words in Article I of the U.S. Constitution, the Vice President's role in the legislative branch is mentioned in twenty-three of them. Twenty-three! This means that the Vice President's role in the legislative body is so insignificant that it merits only one-percent of the text. If the only function expressly assigned to the V-P in the legislative body is to break a tie vote in the Senate, let us examine what functions of the legislative body do not involve the Vice President. It appears he has no role whatsoever in the proposing of laws, the passing of laws, the process of impeachment, laying and collecting taxes and, most importantly, the creating and following of the rules of the House and Senate. The only Congressional responsibility not clearly defined by the Constitution is who must take out the garbage, though I think we can safely assume, based on his heroic Vietnam record, that The Dick won't be rushing to claim that responsibility. It is safe to say, then, that the Vice President's "membership" in the legislative branch is quite dubious, and his role as President of the Senate is a mere title except in the rare instance there is a tie vote. The current Vice President's claim that he is a member of Congress and therefore does not have to follow the executive order affecting the executive branch has been proven to be nothing more than a humongous technical turd.
Now, for the sake of argument, let's play a game of pretend (you know, the game popularized by children and mastered by George W. Bush). Let's allow the Dick his place in the Senate and subject him to the same rules and restrictions of the legislative branch. There's just one minor technicality that still places him at odds with this executive order: according to the Constitution, he's still a member of the executive branch! Nowhere in any article does it say that the Vice President's "membership" in the legislative branch nullifies his membership in the executive branch or exempts him from following the rules of the executive branch. Thus, the only thing that the Dick could truthfully claim from the Constitution is that he is a member of both branches and, thus, must be subjected to the rules and restrictions of both the executive branch and legislative branch. This logic applies to dual memberships in almost any arena of life. For instance, it is quite common in New Orleans society for a gentleman to be a member of multiple Mardi Gras parading organizations. A member of the Mystic Krewe of Comus may not break the club's rule and reveal the identity of his king to the public just because said member also belongs to the Krewe of Rex, an organization that does reveal the name of its king to the public. This gentleman must follow the rules of both Mardi Gras organizations or be subjected to the agreed upon penalties for not following those rules. The concept is simple enough; Mardi Gras historians are not needed to debate the matter because there is nothing to debate in the first place. Likewise, legal and Constitutional scholars are not needed to debate the current Vice President's outlandish claims of legislative privilege (as White House spokesperson Dana Perino ridiculously suggested) because, simply put, there is nothing for anybody – not even a middle school student – to debate on this issue.
OK, so Dick Cheney said only one of the above things, but he may as well have said that he was God and can do whatever the hell he wants. As we must all know by now, this current situation arose when Vice President Cheney – through the voice of an impossibly straight-faced attorney – decided not to comply with an executive order stating that the Information Security Oversight Office (an office within the National Archives) is charged by presidential order with ensuring that classified information and documents are properly handled by executive branch agencies. This seemingly straightforward executive order was issued by President Clinton and reissued by current President George W. Bush in 2003 in order to maintain the integrity of classified documents by forcing all those in the executive branch to report the number of files he/she has classified or declassified. The director of ISOO, William Leonard, wrote a letter to Congress stating that Cheney's office has not complied with this executive order since 2002 and, worse still, even tried to have ISOO closed altogether. Judging from the his attorney's explanation, the simplicity of this order appears initially to have eluded Vice President Cheney, though he did end up publicly distancing from this explanation a few weeks later. Now, however, the Vice President has again decided to confuse the shit out of every single middle school civics student by declaring – through his own mouth, no less – that as President of the Senate he is, in fact, a member of the legislative branch. Doh! What?!!? Yes, as the Dick explains it himself, the Vice President is "kind of a unique creature" who does "work in both branches" -- and by extension of this logic, he seems to believe he is exempt from this (or presumably any) executive order. OK, so do you mean to tell me that everything "Dandy" Don Rowan and Walt McCoy told me about the three branches of the United States government all those years ago was complete crap? Those bastards! If only I had been taught civics by Dick Cheney – then I would have a proper understanding of the previously unknown complexities of our federal government! Because of the Dick's declaration, I am going to have to start from scratch to understand everything involved in this situation.
Now, I'm no attorney or Constitutional scholar by any means, but I am a human being with a functioning brain and some education in the structure of the United States government, so I don't think this task will be as complicated as Dana Perino would have us believe. First, we have to figure out if the Vice President is, in fact, part of the Executive Branch or not. In order to clarify this matter, I suggest we consult that scrap of paper known as the United States Constitution. In Article II, Section 1, the Constitution states, "The executive power shall be vested in a President of the United States of America. He shall hold his office during the term of four years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same term, . . ." (emphasis added). Again, I'm no legal or Constitutional scholar, but the words "the executive power shall be vested in a President . . . together with the Vice President" appear to be the nearest thing to irrefutable evidence that the Vice Presidency – the office everybody in the known universe believes Dick Cheney to hold – is thus part of the executive branch.
Now that the Vice President's place in the federal government has been inarguably established in the executive branch, what about the Dick's contention that, since he is President of the Senate, he is also a member of the legislative branch? Well, let's turn to Article I, Section 3 of the Constitution: "The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided." Here we have stumbled upon some ambiguity, however microscopic, concerning the Vice President's role. The Vice President is officially President of the Senate, but he is given only one concrete role by the Constitution – to break Senate votes that end in a tie. Thus, while officially having a role of some kind in the Senate, and therefore the Legislative branch, the Vice President's title as President of the Senate appears to be more of a figurehead position – you know, much like George W. Bush's title of President appears to be more of a figurehead position since it is quite obvious that the real President is, ironically enough, Dick Cheney! Why is it safe to say this title as President of the Senate is nothing more than a name? To answer this question we must examine what duties the Constitution has given the Senate and where the Vice President fits into executing these duties. The very beginning of Article I, Section 3 states, "The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each state, chosen by the legislature thereof, for six years; and each Senator shall have one vote." Nowhere in this passage is the Vice President mentioned and rightly so: as stated later in Article II, he is not selected by one particular state as one of its two Senators, nor does he serve a six-year sentence, nor does he have one vote – unless, as is stated later in Section 3 of this Article, there is a tie. In fact, the Vice President is not mentioned anywhere else in the ten sections of Article I of the Constitution. Section 2 deals strictly with the House of Representatives, while Sections 4-10 discuss, respectively: rules for electing Congress, Congressional self-oversight, income and legal status of Congressional members, bill-passing procedures of Congress, the laying and collecting of taxes, and two sections regarding restrictions on passage of laws by Congress. Thus, out of the 2,265 words in Article I of the U.S. Constitution, the Vice President's role in the legislative branch is mentioned in twenty-three of them. Twenty-three! This means that the Vice President's role in the legislative body is so insignificant that it merits only one-percent of the text. If the only function expressly assigned to the V-P in the legislative body is to break a tie vote in the Senate, let us examine what functions of the legislative body do not involve the Vice President. It appears he has no role whatsoever in the proposing of laws, the passing of laws, the process of impeachment, laying and collecting taxes and, most importantly, the creating and following of the rules of the House and Senate. The only Congressional responsibility not clearly defined by the Constitution is who must take out the garbage, though I think we can safely assume, based on his heroic Vietnam record, that The Dick won't be rushing to claim that responsibility. It is safe to say, then, that the Vice President's "membership" in the legislative branch is quite dubious, and his role as President of the Senate is a mere title except in the rare instance there is a tie vote. The current Vice President's claim that he is a member of Congress and therefore does not have to follow the executive order affecting the executive branch has been proven to be nothing more than a humongous technical turd.
Now, for the sake of argument, let's play a game of pretend (you know, the game popularized by children and mastered by George W. Bush). Let's allow the Dick his place in the Senate and subject him to the same rules and restrictions of the legislative branch. There's just one minor technicality that still places him at odds with this executive order: according to the Constitution, he's still a member of the executive branch! Nowhere in any article does it say that the Vice President's "membership" in the legislative branch nullifies his membership in the executive branch or exempts him from following the rules of the executive branch. Thus, the only thing that the Dick could truthfully claim from the Constitution is that he is a member of both branches and, thus, must be subjected to the rules and restrictions of both the executive branch and legislative branch. This logic applies to dual memberships in almost any arena of life. For instance, it is quite common in New Orleans society for a gentleman to be a member of multiple Mardi Gras parading organizations. A member of the Mystic Krewe of Comus may not break the club's rule and reveal the identity of his king to the public just because said member also belongs to the Krewe of Rex, an organization that does reveal the name of its king to the public. This gentleman must follow the rules of both Mardi Gras organizations or be subjected to the agreed upon penalties for not following those rules. The concept is simple enough; Mardi Gras historians are not needed to debate the matter because there is nothing to debate in the first place. Likewise, legal and Constitutional scholars are not needed to debate the current Vice President's outlandish claims of legislative privilege (as White House spokesperson Dana Perino ridiculously suggested) because, simply put, there is nothing for anybody – not even a middle school student – to debate on this issue.
The most important irony here, as many in the media and general public have pointed out, is that this very same Vice President, way back in 2002, refused to release any information to the legislative branch regarding his secret energy commission by citing – you guessed it – executive privilege! Just in case you had not been aware of this fact or simply needed to hear it again, here it is: the same person currently claiming not to have to follow an executive order because he is technically a member of the legislative branch even though he is technically a member of the executive branch once told the legislative branch that he would not disclose the information they had requested because he was a member of the executive branch and therefore was entitled to keep this information under the protection of executive privilege. Huh? Did that explanation sound like somebody talking in Greek? Or did it sound like a six year-old who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar? Even by current GOP standards (assuming there is such a thing) the hypocrisy of this explanation is mind-blowing! I can't wait to see how this megalomaniac comes up with some justification for claiming he has Judicial Privilege as well. Yeah, go ahead and laugh at that statement all you want, but don't forget that this same person has tossed aside decades – sometimes even centuries – of rules for governing our country in a proper and ethical manner simply to push forward the agenda of a small group of like-minded and extremely *cough* privileged allies. Nobody in the 219 years since the United States Constitution was ratified had ever had the audacity to claim he is simultaneously a member of both the legislative and executive branches of the United States government until Dick Cheney was chosen by George W. Bush to find a suitable candidate for Vice President and then found himself. If this almost other-worldly arrogance of claiming both Executive Privilege and Legislative Privilege whenever the occasion suits him does not convince everybody in the informed world that this man is unsuitable to be in any position of authority, then nothing short of his announcing he is, in fact, Dr. Strangelove will. The only question remaining now is whether this free-floating branch of government unto himself will be allowed to live out his political life to its natural end or have it terminated for the good of the country.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Practical Jokes of the Colossal & Faceless
Hey, AT&T, it's your good buddy Murray here. Yeah, the guy who sends you charitable donations every month. Yeah. Anyway, can I ask you a quick question here? OK, good, uh . . . is it too much to ask you guys to put the bill in the envelope right side up? I mean every month I open your envelope with that cute little lower-case logo from what I think is the top, only to find out that I'm opening it from the bottom. Seriously, AT&T -- you guys can transfer images and sounds through a lock of hair, but you can't find a way to send your bills right side up? Come on -- even a five year-old can do this!
Never mind; I forgot for a second that I'm addressing some humongous, faceless corporation, not my barber. So go right on ahead -- keep playing that cruel practical joke on me if it really makes you happy, Mr. Big Shit! Don't think that I can't hear the snickers coming all the way from your slimy corporate office in Atlanta as I open your bill from the wrong side of the envelope yet again. Ha-ha, fuckheads, we get it: you're on top, we're at the bottom. We're at your mercy. We've always known this. Now could you grow up a little and put the damn bill in the envelope the right way? I'm tired of feeling like a schmuck even before I see how much money I'm sending you assholes yet again.
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